We should also call a bandh for the organisers

A bandh is a uniquely Indian political device. It is, in essence, a hardworking attempt by one political faction to prevent the rest from working hard and get them to a state of ‘hardly working’. Tasks are assigned to groups of goons to enforce lethargy across the country. Violence is all too often implicitly sanctioned by the bandh organisers. Those exhibiting any diligence, focus and dedication to their work tend to find themselves on the wrong end of blunt instruments. Therefore theoretically, bandh enforcers must beat themselves up at the end of the day because they are doing their job diligently and surely, that is against the spirit of the very thing they espouse.

Frankly, if political parties had any intellectual honesty, they would arrange for special goon squads to ensure that bandh organisers are also, well, observing the bandh. But then intellectual honesty typically first requires um...intellect and the sort of chaps who think that burning public buses is a vote-winning strategy are not very high up in the ladder of common sense, let alone cruising the escalator of intellect. So a pure bandh would also need the bandh organisers to chill out at home and watch soap serials on TV. But how would we know if the Bandh was successful then? That’s almost a Zen puzzle. If a tree falls in a forest and there’s no one listening, does it make a sound? So this pursuit of Bandh purity is likely to get us nowehere.

Therefore I think we, as regular citizens, should call a bandh for bandh organisers. Are bandhs being planned on days when a bandhs bandh is in force? Are Rail Rokos being execu­ted when we have a Rail Roko Roko annou­nced? We could even pre-emptively announce a bandhs bandh on days that bandhs are announced. Rather than protest a bandh by the cliched use of “I am actually going to work, bandh be damned”, which frankly has gotten rather boring, we must arrange for our own goon squads to enforce bandhs bandhs. A moderate amount of counter-bandh violence might even be on the cards. For example, our rowdies could walk up to a zealous bus bur­ner and gently persuade him (by transferring some momentum from a clenched fist to his nose perhaps) to not indulge in bandh-execution activities. They could also damage bandh enforcing implements, such as baseball bats and cycle chains. Our army of bandhs bandh enforcers would walk around with cutting pliers to dismantle cycle chains, electric saws to reduce baseball bats and high-intensity flame throwers to melt the glass in broken soda bottles.

If a consignment of frilly pink underwear could bring down the Ram Sene, it’s only proof that the best weapon for people with no sense of humour, is humour itself. I propose that we send kids’ toys such as plastic baseball bats, baby rattles, Diwali cape guns et al to bandh organisers on the eve of every bandh, asking them to use them when enforcing bandhs.