Our MPs need some special allowances

Millions of empathetic citizens’ hearts had bled copiously for our poor Members of Parliament after knowing they will earn only a measly sum of  Rs 37 lakh per year. As they are an underprivileged lot, a one-man committee has been formed to augment their allowances under innovative heads. This is a sneak preview of recommendations that got leaked before the report was submitted to the authority concerned.

Thumping allowance: Among the beatings animate or inanimate objects take inside the August Upper and Lower Houses, the desks at which the MPs sit are the hardest and severe. It follows that the palms that administer such cheery beatings with impressive staccato sooner or later would lose even the lines that would interest a Cheiro. Therefore, an allowance equivalent to Rs 1,000 per desk-beat (as electronically counted by a Beatometer) subject to a maximum of Rs 1 lakh per session is recommended. As the opposite side, which cannot or should not join in the thumping but can only vociferously shout, might object, a compensatory allowance is being introduced.

Howling allowance: The human larynx has not been designed by god for howling, which is more associated with certain quadrupeds. Nevertheless, because of human ingenuity, one can mimic any noise, aided and abetted by congenital factors and perfected by practice. Ergo, considerable effort has to be made to make such vocal protests. As this is juxtaposed and weighed against the thumping from the opposite side, an allowance not in disparity with the Thumping Allowance but measured by the Howlometer that would register the decibel, pith, vigour and timbre of howls would be paid.

Shoes allowance: Like in any parched village that sees women undertake walks to wells with pots, the well of the House metaphorically invites many a honourable member whose throats have become parched after a bout of shouting. As the well in the House is only a mirage with not a drop of water to drink, they have to shuttle back and forth like steam engines in the marshalling yard. Such exercise does strengthen the muscles of the  thighs and calves of the members and prevents atrophy through disuse. However, they are counter productive in that they play havoc with their shoes. A befitting allowance, therefore, equivalent to the unpadded price of not less than six pairs of shoes made of reverse calf leather subject to a maximum of Rs 50,000 per session will be paid.

Spotting the seat allowance: The irony in Parliament is that though the members had fought tooth and nail to get the coveted seats in Parliament, they show little interest (with good reason) in occupying them throughout the session. Their presence is required elsewhere and not necessarily in their constituency when Parliament is in session.

It is quite likely that they have taken pains to learn geography by visiting far-off places in the world to study first hand ways and means of serving us better. So when they eventually show their travel-weary faces, to record their attendance, there is understandable confusion in locating the place where they should sit. As such, a lumpsum allowance of  Rs 5,000 will be paid on the first day of the session.

However, the claim that such navigational allowance be extended to every day of the session, made by members on medical grounds, by blaming their power of recall for not being able to remember the place where they sat the previous day will be summarily rejected.

timeout@expressbuzz.com