Managing conflicts in relationships

Why do we have to view conflicts as negative in life? Honestly, it can be positive and act as a stepping stone to an individual’s growth. Conflicts happen when there is a clash between (head) logic and (heart) feelings. Conflict can be due to miscommunication, misunderstanding, gender differences, generation gap, attitude, value and cultural differences, perceptual differences, unfair practices and many more.

Emotional conflicts are mostly a matter of opinion/perception, needs, goals or styles and those are normally resolved through discussion, bargaining and negotiation. The existence of conflict is usually signalled by negative feelings such as hurt, anger, confusion and we lean more towards emotional thinking. At this point, each person makes a decision whether to confront the conflict openly or to ignore it, suppress it or withdraw from the situation. Unfortunately, it costs more when issues are left unaddressed for a longer period of time. Hence, learning how to resolve conflicts is to your benefit.

When dealing with conflict, the first principle is not to personalise issues. Secondly, do not assume your values or beliefs are always ‘right’. They reflect only from your own perspective of a person, situation or the world. Thirdly, do not judge the other person through their emotional responses. No one’s feelings are more or less ‘right’ than the others.  

Using effective communication and problem solving skills, you can increase the chances of resolving conflicts. Problem solving involves finding the trigger for the conflict — self-induced or triggered by the partner. Secondly, find options as to how it can be handled. Thirdly, choose the best possible option to resolve it. Time, place and the mood are mandatory along with increased and improved listening skills.

To sum up, conflict can exhaust a person and drain them of their energy. During these times, it is safe to put some distance in the relationship, or cut ties completely. In cases of abuse, for example, simple conflict resolution techniques can only take you so far, and so personal safety will take priority. Only you can decide if conflict resolution will improve the relationship or if it’s best to let go.

— therapist.saras@gmail.com