Ending a controlling relationship

If you plan to end a dominating friendship/relationship face to face, be brief and as dispassionate as possible. Make arrangements for a mutual friend to be present if you have any reason to believe s/he may become violent. Come right out and declare your decision frankly, without hostility or cruelty. S/he will likely be shocked, and may question, attempt to bargain, cry, or become enraged. Be prepared for anything.

Be clear about your decision. For example: “I’m sorry, but this is not working for me anymore, so I’m ending it here and now. I wish you well, but it’s over.” Do not say, “I will always love you” or try to be friends. Please understand the less emotional you are, the less you will escalate the pain.

No sympathy: If they can no longer control you, they are likely to become more intense and hysterical. They will try to make you feel guilty for hurting him/her, or even question your loyalty, as they will not take primary responsibility for the break-up. Showing any kind of mercy or compassion will make it more difficult for you to end it. If you have made the decision, do not waste time. Attempts to leave on good terms will most likely not work with dominating people.

Maintain a strong resolve: Do not accept phone calls, answer e-mails or text messages from your ex. Doing so will only create hope. Make a clean break and let go.

Avoid mutual friends who are still in contact with your friend/partner for some time after the break-up. Keep your remarks carefully neutral with them, and don’t share details of the break-up, your feelings, or your insights on your ex with them.

Make your intent clear: Cutting off all contact seems cruel, but it’s a case of ‘cruel to be kind’. The formula goes like this: No response = no point in continuing this. Any response will indicate that you’re trying.

Get your support network back: Go to the friends and family you have been disconnected from by your controller, admit to the relationship being toxic and appreciate them for their insights. Speak to a professional counsellor to get yourself together.

Ask for help: The best help you can give him/her is by refusing to be a victim and secondly, by directing him/her to seek professional help.

— therapist.saras@gmail.com